New York....Helloooooo Lover!

Who thought I would return to this city? For years I tried to fight it, fought it in my head for a long time. All the while watching movies filmed in Manhattan, it was like having a long distance relationship...not really fulfilling, but DC and I were done. Time was up and I needed to change cities. It was the perfect exit, DC and I had a long affair but NY, NY and I are in love. I am visiting DC for the weekend and being here has made me realize I am finally ready; NY and I are going to start going steady. :-)

Moving Forward

Is it OK and possible to forget our past to move freely into our future? Lately I have been making efforts to make amends with some things and people in my life. Not quite sure what it is but I have been in a mood to forgive and forget. I guess I feel like it is something I need to do to continue my journey to my true self as well as heal. I have to tell you it makes me feel better even if people think I am crazy for doing it. Life is too short to hold grudges or be angry. I used to abide by the simple rule, Never go to bed angry. A few times recently I have, and I am sad at myself for doing so. You never know what might happen when you wake up the next morning and I just can't bare having a thought like that take over my entire being.

I have come to the conclusion that things happen, some of them out of my control, some of them I have brought on myself. For some time now, I have been holding some things from my past on my present plate, which continues to hold me in my past and not allow me to move into my present. I want to say I have forgiven some things but not so easily forgotten about them. I hold on to them so tight thinking for some reason they will go away when the time is right or I will just forget what it was I was holding on to. For some reason it was like a security blanket, like I was giving away my plate of pride or giving away myself by letting things go.
Right now I feel that as an important part of my growth and healing I need to forgive AND forget! So I have been trying to work it into my daily routine and it has felt really good. As Dr. Brian Weiss so nicely put it "We have no right to abruptly halt people's live before they have lived out their karma." Basically, to me this means that we have no right to choose how people are punished for the things they do, that it is up to someone else how they will be punished.

When speaking with a friend the other night we got around to the word Sorry. Ugh that word, to me such an overused word I hardly think people really understanding the meaning of it better yet mean it when they say it. I have been trying to say it less for some time now, consciously it is working, habitually it is not. My friend was kind enough to explain that he would rather the person who has done wrong, learn the lesson of what they had committed instead of apologize; this would mean more to him. I think I might have to adopt what he said, though there have been times when I want someone to feel how I feel, hurt, disappointment, resentment, guilt, anger you know all the things saints aren't made of. But I guess I would feel bad if someone had those feelings, because I know how I feel with them and man they just aren't well digested.

I am trying to learn my lessons; screaming and yelling at someone does not solve anything, in fact the other day I got into a large fight with someone very close to me. It was UGLY. I have to admit I had all those above feelings and I didn't quite know how to compose myself. Yelling was the only way I thought my point would come across, and well I was just plain angry. As I was in the middle of my rant, I was walking into my bathroom which really is not large at all, I somehow slipped, both feet out from under me and crashed right into the glass standing shower. Gashed my knee on the metal molding and was completely laid out. Now, to an onlooker this is an "Oh goodness are you alright? moment with possibly a laughing ending. To me it was a sign, it was a higher power telling me to chill the hell out that I am wasting a ton of energy having such an argument and for what? It could not have been any clearer to me, I immediately asked if I could call back in a few minutes, picked myself up off the bathroom floor, cleaned up my knee, took a deep breath and called back. The first thing out of my mouth was "I don't want to fight any more." Thankfully he agreed and after that moment I decided it is time to just let things go.

On the Go

I graduated college exactly 8 years ago on Mother's Day. Since then I have been on the go; going to work, going to social events, moving -cause we all know when we are young living in one place for more then a year is unacceptable-, going on interviews for a new job, going away for weekends to visit our college friends, going on trips because we are young and afraid that when we get a job we will never have the chance to go backpacking in Europe again. I have to say I have been on the go pretty much all my life.

So recently I relocated back to New York, where I grew up. I was in Washington DC for 10 years. I had been toying with the idea of coming back to New York for a while, just had some things that kept my stapled to DC, love of course. Ah Amore what it can do to you. But really, that was the only reason I was in DC, I had decided I would look for jobs down there and if nothing came along by May I would go back to New York and start fresh in a new city.

Well, here I am. since I have been back in New York I have had nothing but time. It is the first time in 10 years I have NOT been on the go. It is the first time I have ever had so much time for myself, to do nothing or do something. As one of friends put it, I am one of the "original dream teamers." Apparently an old school term for someone who doesn't have a job but has a lot of free time :-). I kind of liked the idea, for about a week, being able to go wherever I wanted at any time of day, sleeping in if I wanted -though really that never happened-, going running in the morning and again in the afternoon, spending four hours out Kayaking to no place in particular, going to wine tastings in Penthouses in top New York hotels in the middle of the day. Yeah Dream Teamer might be a good way to put it because I am "Living the Dream."

This made me turn my attention to the fact that I can't live this way forever, I need to get a job. So I would get up every morning and send out a bunch of emails to friends, cover letters and resumes to places I really wanted to work all for what? To go back out and play at the end of the day because there were no bites. I decided it was time to change my way of thinking, or just maybe my way of life in general.

My hair dresser had recommended a life coach a long time ago, at the time I thought therapy would be better choice as I was losing my mind trying so hard to figure out what it was I was supposed to be doing(LOL). But then I realized she might be right someone with an unbiased perspective could be very good therapy, unless of course you want the drugs :-). Only problem was I just didn't feel a connection with the coach she recommended. Anyone that knows me knows I truly believe in the energy of people. I can walk into a room and in an instant know who I do or don't want to be around. It is just knowing yourself and knowing who's energy fits with yours, but that is a whole other topic. In any case I let the idea of a life coach go.

I went to LA to visit my best friend and while there met up with my childhood best friend, who's energy I will tell you, will suck you in whether you want it to or not. Full of charisma that girl. Things for us have never changed, again we were able to just pick up where we left off. Anyway I keep going off in tangents, see this is how my mind works...She had been working with a life coach and she loved her. I thought hell why not. Now I know this sounds funny, but it goes with any form of self help, when you want a therapist, a running coach, a spiritual guide it is like going on a first date. You have to interview them. Your ideals and beliefs can be so different, how can someone help you find the very best you if you are constantly disagreeing with what they have to say to you? I instantly fell in love with this woman. She had such a serene tone (oh just in case I didn't mention, we work over the phone she is on the other side of the country), such a calming way about her I couldn't help but just want to hand her my life and say go, go wherever you want with it. We have had two sessions now, and I have to say it has been very eye opening, I want to cry sometimes thinking about things, but then I get angry about it and then by the time I am done with the one hour session I am so exhausted from having to think about everything all I can do is lay on the floor and wish it would all just be written on the wall for me.

In any case she and I are working on NOT finding a job but finding my RIGHT life, which will apparently bring me the job and all the other stuff. Which for now includes those four hour kayaking sessions, car dancing on my way to get frozen yogurt, being grounded which means standing in the grass in my backyard barefoot and any other thing a child would do but that as adults we forget life is all about. So in a very long blog I urge everyone to stop being "On the Go" so much and to take this into consideration:

Tao-

Stop Chasing

Stop Filling

Stop Amassing

Then when you put this in your head read The Tao of Pooh it will give you all the answers with a fun look on life. Just as I get homework with the life coach, I too will give homework, today on your Sunday, go out and do something a five year old would do. Yes you will look around before you do it and make sure no one is watching, then you might do it a little and then stop and look around again and then you might do it a whole lot. This morning, I started my morning off with a long run. A typical day for me but the end of the run was not typical, I pretended I was racing someone, like a little kid laughing I ran as hard and as fast as I could through a pretend tape. When I had finished and won the race, I did a stupid little celebration dance and put my hands to my ears and made a face at my fake opponent. Yes, childish she still makes faces. :-)

There Is A First Everything

I recently reconnected with a childhood friend of mine while visiting an adulthood friend. After spending some time together and catching up we both realized our love for food. She started telling me about all these wonderful food experiences she was having at all these great restaurants and felt that she could not remember everything so she decided to journal about them. The best way for her to journal about it was to start a blog. I could not believe it, so funny but I guess such a great thing to do. She can keep track of all her experiences and adventures as well as serve others with great recommendations. She is a terrific writer and I love going to her blog to see what kinds of fun experiences she had the night before, plus she always has a recommendation because she is the woman who has the "perfect" restaurant for everything. So she recommended I give blogging a try.
I have always liked to write, at one point I wanted to be a journalist, even toyed with the idea of writing a book. My problem is that I can't keep my mind focused on one particular thing long enough to write a chapter about it. This was the perfect opportunity for her to plug blogging again. It is a great way to write about whatever you want and for you it would be great, you can have short entries for those days where you mind feels all over the place. The thought of writing was great, I love to write, I journal a lot, but writing for other people? Hmmm this is going to be a challenge.
It got me to thinking about our firsts. Our first day of school, meeting our first friend, meeting our first "best" friend, our first sports event, our first crush, our first kiss, our first boyfriend/girlfriend, our first dance, the first break-up, our first fight with our first best friend and so many other firsts that I quickly started to realize "There is a First Everything."
So here I am starting my first blog, writing for no particular crowd but having a very exciting, liberating experience. I am excited to share things with whomever is interested and I hope people will share back. I feel as though everyday whether we think of it or not we have a first everything. Whether it is trying a new flavor ice-cream, coming out of our box and saying hello to a total stranger on the street, or just realizing a passion for a new found hobby. I feel alive and very passionate at the moment, I think this is going to be fun for me and I hope you out there will get a good laugh here and there.
Cheers to something new, coming out of the comfort zone of just writing for myself and throwing it all out there. But hey, please be patient while I navigate my way through posting things. The page may start out a little barren but I promise with help and time it will grow like a flower. Oh and on a final note, I have another first...Deleting my entire first blog :-). Yup, this is the second one. Ha ha, at least I can laugh about it though I am not in love with this entry the way I was in love with my first one.

Happy Friday!