This is so important I have to put it on my blog because I feel so lucky to have such friends in my life. I want the world to know how lucky I am:
To All My Loving and Caring Lady Friends,
I know I have fallen off the ship here for a bit, but I am starting to climb back up into the boat and dry out, or get my life back in order. I have to start with just one big heart felt Thank you, because without all of you I would still be fighting the tide.
Each one of you has been a Godsend to me; I have to be mushy here so all you sapless ladies just hold on, the tears won't last and they won't make you melt. :-) It has been a tough go for me the past few weeks and without each of you my head would still be on a pillow, in my bed in my three day old Pj's, watching sad love stories and going through boxes and boxes of tissues. But since we all know life doesn't wait for us nor does it work like that I need you to know you all have been the most important thing in my life -to use a borrowed term- my safety net. But times are a changing and it is time to start fresh. I know all of you are shaking your heads.
Here comes the sappy part. But just a quick FYI - I don't use names in my blog, I feel it speaks to everyone but those I am really talking to know who they are. It helps with not having to ask permission every time I use one of your names in a story. So if you have questions or aren't sure just ask. I have contacted you all for a reason so you're in here. Knowing that we are all geographically challenged, even though I am in NY some of you are in Manhattan, I couldn't think of a better time in my life to bring all my important ladies together. I truly believe there is a reason for everything and here are the reasons so far:
1. There was a reason why things happened when they did while I was in LA, so that two people from different parts of my life could be there to hold me up. So that they could meet and hopefully help one another out...my gift to you ladies, another friend on the friend belt.
2. There was a reason that I came back to NY when I did. Though I needed convincing, there was a reason I ended up in a NYC apartment celebrating what was supposed to be the Kentucky Derby. And though I had not kept in touch with two brilliant, wonderful, full of life ladies, that thought never crossed their mind when they saw me, all they could do was hug me as we all jumped up and down happy to be back together again. They then gave me a swift talking to :-)
3. There is a reason my running career was put on hold, because now after almost three years I am back in the same area with one of the best runners in the world who I know is going to kick my ass back into shape and we are going to start our normal running routine where she drags me up hills and I curse her.
4. There is a reason another lady is moving to NYC, who feels it is a time in her life to take a big step and shake off some things that may have held her back. She has been a pillar of strength and though we don't see one another as much as we used to, I know I can always run to her and she will knock the wasted energy out of me. Five Am dance off anyone?
5. There is a reason I have not reached out to a lady I used to have my crazy life with. Because I know she will knock my head sideways if she knew I was wasting my time on such garbage but she would laugh while I cried and say that is kind of funny Dee, but man that sucks. Then we would go on to talk about what would be the best bottle of booze to fix the problem.
6. There is a reason one tenacious woman has been calling me two to three times a day and never reaching me but damn she continues to call even if it kills her. This one is full of love and would give everything she owned to one of her friends...I know she is trying to give me an escape plan to come and live with her in her southern home just so I can make her my homemade lemonade on a regular basis. Lady, I am going to call you, you just keep missing each other. You as everyone else, deserve 100 percent of my undivided attention.
7. There is a reason why I gave up on myself for running the most recent marathon I had registered for, I would have taken my friend away from her studies which is truly more important then me bunking up with her for the weekend. She needed to study for finals so that she could graduate from law school while be a full time mommy, a full-time wife, a full-time student and a full-time friend. Go get em!
Each of you is so important these little reasons are just reasons for the moment, but the reasons for a lifetime, no words could explain that. I use to sit in bed when I was younger and wonder who I would ask to be in my wedding. I have no sisters so the choice was difficult. But I felt the people that I would ask to be in my wedding had to be the most important people in my life, had to know me, my history. There is no shortage of that here, I have more love, more life, more memories then I could ever imagine. So I know it is not friend month, but sometimes when we get stuck in the daily ordinaries of this life, we forget to thank people. I have been trying to thank everyone because everyday, is a precious one.
On this note, I love you all dearly. There is not a moment I wish we could be together. For all of you I want to let you know if there is anything you ever need or anything I can ever do for any of you, please know you can always count on me. I may not be the closest friend but one of the most important none-the-less. You are all stuck with me in your lives, never hesitate, never worry, and never be sorry; friends are here for a reason and we just don't feel of good use unless we are asked to do something to help out every now and then, no matter what the task.
Though this will never say all I really need it to or mean it to, I hope it opens the worlds eyes to how lucky I am and how grateful I am every day.
All my love to my ladies!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
To Blame or not to Blame.
It has been a while for me, guess I wasn't feeling so writey -I know it isn't a word-. But I had a big experience about a week ago that I won't bore you with the details of, however, it was enough to realize I need to start taking responsibility for my own actions.
Typically, I find when I do something wrong, I tend to blame. Mostly myself but lately I have been wanting to blame other people. It is as if things will be better if we put the hurt and anger on someone else, as if they are the ones that really hurt us. It gives our ego a way out of things, out of feeling what the real feelings are. Here is the thing I am learning, blame, is a WASTE of time. Blaming does not change you, who you are, what you have done, or the lesson you should be learning. Blame only makes you feel bad or pity yourself. Taking responsibility allows you to evolve, which in turn allows you to move forward. Everything happens for a reason, when you figure out the reason gratitude should follow because then you won't allow yourself to fail again or recreate the same situation. When you learn from a bad experience, and take responsibility, then you can make a conscious commitment to live your life differently and all those feelings of grief, anger, hurt and resentment should disappear.
I had to learn this by feeling those nasty feelings. I was hurt, frustrated, disappointed and just plain angry. I thought that by just allowing myself to feel those feelings I would feel better. Well, feeling those feelings, went right out the window I succumbed fully to those feelings and flew off the handle. Something no one would or could imagine I would ever do. It was Ugly. Did I feel guilty and horrible the next day, absolutely, did I blame myself for acting that way, absolutely, did I want to blame other people for making me feel those nasty feelings that made me act that way, absolutely. Did I ever take responsibility for rash and out of control moments, oops, nope I forgot that step. I felt like it was something I needed to do. Just throw it all out there, put up the white flag and surrender to all the insane emotions I was having and clean the system out. I think deep down I thought if I get it all out, it will go away forever and it will take all the other hurt I have away with it. No, it only made me feel worse, and feel worse about myself.
It was blame, I was trying to make another person see how badly I was hurt by them that I tried to blame them for how I was feeling. When really, I was the one who was responsible for letting them hurt me and make me feel that way. I naturally apologized but as you all have read from my other blog, the word sorry just doesn't mean much unless you have learned the lesson.
Sadly, I don't think I learned the lesson the next day. I was still slightly jaded by the past nights actions. Today though, today, I learned the lesson. So even though after almost two weeks of thinking about this and using a quote by Timothy Leary to justify my behavior, which references the effects of extreme alterations in one's state of consciousness "sometimes you just need to blow out the pipes so that the psyche can illuminate life clearly," I realized, though that may be so, I need to stop blaming other people and start realizing it was me the whole time that caused my own grief.
Typically, I find when I do something wrong, I tend to blame. Mostly myself but lately I have been wanting to blame other people. It is as if things will be better if we put the hurt and anger on someone else, as if they are the ones that really hurt us. It gives our ego a way out of things, out of feeling what the real feelings are. Here is the thing I am learning, blame, is a WASTE of time. Blaming does not change you, who you are, what you have done, or the lesson you should be learning. Blame only makes you feel bad or pity yourself. Taking responsibility allows you to evolve, which in turn allows you to move forward. Everything happens for a reason, when you figure out the reason gratitude should follow because then you won't allow yourself to fail again or recreate the same situation. When you learn from a bad experience, and take responsibility, then you can make a conscious commitment to live your life differently and all those feelings of grief, anger, hurt and resentment should disappear.
I had to learn this by feeling those nasty feelings. I was hurt, frustrated, disappointed and just plain angry. I thought that by just allowing myself to feel those feelings I would feel better. Well, feeling those feelings, went right out the window I succumbed fully to those feelings and flew off the handle. Something no one would or could imagine I would ever do. It was Ugly. Did I feel guilty and horrible the next day, absolutely, did I blame myself for acting that way, absolutely, did I want to blame other people for making me feel those nasty feelings that made me act that way, absolutely. Did I ever take responsibility for rash and out of control moments, oops, nope I forgot that step. I felt like it was something I needed to do. Just throw it all out there, put up the white flag and surrender to all the insane emotions I was having and clean the system out. I think deep down I thought if I get it all out, it will go away forever and it will take all the other hurt I have away with it. No, it only made me feel worse, and feel worse about myself.
It was blame, I was trying to make another person see how badly I was hurt by them that I tried to blame them for how I was feeling. When really, I was the one who was responsible for letting them hurt me and make me feel that way. I naturally apologized but as you all have read from my other blog, the word sorry just doesn't mean much unless you have learned the lesson.
Sadly, I don't think I learned the lesson the next day. I was still slightly jaded by the past nights actions. Today though, today, I learned the lesson. So even though after almost two weeks of thinking about this and using a quote by Timothy Leary to justify my behavior, which references the effects of extreme alterations in one's state of consciousness "sometimes you just need to blow out the pipes so that the psyche can illuminate life clearly," I realized, though that may be so, I need to stop blaming other people and start realizing it was me the whole time that caused my own grief.
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