To Blame or not to Blame.

It has been a while for me, guess I wasn't feeling so writey -I know it isn't a word-. But I had a big experience about a week ago that I won't bore you with the details of, however, it was enough to realize I need to start taking responsibility for my own actions.
Typically, I find when I do something wrong, I tend to blame. Mostly myself but lately I have been wanting to blame other people. It is as if things will be better if we put the hurt and anger on someone else, as if they are the ones that really hurt us. It gives our ego a way out of things, out of feeling what the real feelings are. Here is the thing I am learning, blame, is a WASTE of time. Blaming does not change you, who you are, what you have done, or the lesson you should be learning. Blame only makes you feel bad or pity yourself. Taking responsibility allows you to evolve, which in turn allows you to move forward. Everything happens for a reason, when you figure out the reason gratitude should follow because then you won't allow yourself to fail again or recreate the same situation. When you learn from a bad experience, and take responsibility, then you can make a conscious commitment to live your life differently and all those feelings of grief, anger, hurt and resentment should disappear.
I had to learn this by feeling those nasty feelings. I was hurt, frustrated, disappointed and just plain angry. I thought that by just allowing myself to feel those feelings I would feel better. Well, feeling those feelings, went right out the window I succumbed fully to those feelings and flew off the handle. Something no one would or could imagine I would ever do. It was Ugly. Did I feel guilty and horrible the next day, absolutely, did I blame myself for acting that way, absolutely, did I want to blame other people for making me feel those nasty feelings that made me act that way, absolutely. Did I ever take responsibility for rash and out of control moments, oops, nope I forgot that step. I felt like it was something I needed to do. Just throw it all out there, put up the white flag and surrender to all the insane emotions I was having and clean the system out. I think deep down I thought if I get it all out, it will go away forever and it will take all the other hurt I have away with it. No, it only made me feel worse, and feel worse about myself.
It was blame, I was trying to make another person see how badly I was hurt by them that I tried to blame them for how I was feeling. When really, I was the one who was responsible for letting them hurt me and make me feel that way. I naturally apologized but as you all have read from my other blog, the word sorry just doesn't mean much unless you have learned the lesson.
Sadly, I don't think I learned the lesson the next day. I was still slightly jaded by the past nights actions. Today though, today, I learned the lesson. So even though after almost two weeks of thinking about this and using a quote by Timothy Leary to justify my behavior, which references the effects of extreme alterations in one's state of consciousness "sometimes you just need to blow out the pipes so that the psyche can illuminate life clearly," I realized, though that may be so, I need to stop blaming other people and start realizing it was me the whole time that caused my own grief.